The following relates to a key question from the Deep Coaching practice “Expanding Your Capacity to Be With Pain”:
How do you expand your capacity to be with pain? To hold more and more of it, without being triggered by it or taking it on?
Perhaps the most important of all that you can do is to work on healing your own.
Read through the following on working with the Shadow Side. There may be ideas here for you personally, and to incorporate into your coaching sessions.
What is the Shadow Side?
The Shadow Side is a psychological term to describe the dark side we all possess. Our shadow is that which we do not want to be, or do not want to deal with: pain, anger, desire, pride, jealousy, hate – our dark twin. It is all that we have split off, repressed or denied in ourselves, all that we could not face or deal with, the stuff we are afraid to show the world. You could consider your dark side your inner negativity, and it forms your pain body, the energy field of negative energy that lives within your mind and body.
Usually we stuff our shadows away, like we might stuff dirty clothes into a bag, and we carry that bag around with us wherever we go.
Not acknowledging the dark side of ourselves can cause problems. It is one aspect of our personal gravity, and stops us from being the people we want to be.
How Does the Shadow Side Relate to Coaching?
At the core of every shadow contains a nugget of strength and power. Shadows are like a gold mine of creative, useful energy.
When a client in transformation decides to open the bag and examine some of the material hidden in there, they’ll want to be in a safe place – like a deep coaching relationship. Everyday life might not be the best arena for exploring our shadows. For example, you might not want to start expressing your repressed grief when you are at work. But shadows cast a long shadow and effect our lives; it’s our attempts to limit that influence is why we put them in the bag in the first place.
In a coaching session, the safe space is built. In an atmosphere of complete privacy and safety, people will find themselves easily accessing very deep states of emotion. This allows then for releasing, forgiveness, resolution, inspiration, and peace making.
Four Exercises for Shadow Side Work
Exercise 1: Accepting the parts of yourself you are repressing.
Here’s an exercise to help you figure it out…
1. What is a quality that you really love about yourself?
2. Why do you value this quality? What makes it important to you?
3. What is its opposite? This is also in you.
4. What would be beneficial for you in loving the opposite aspect within you?
5. When did this part develop during your childhood?
6. What does it need right now to be accepted and loved?
Exercise 2: Get to know your shadow side…
What I know about myself. Write all negative characteristics of your personality you can think of.
What others say about me (someone, who does not like you). Write negative traits this person might say you have.
Exercise 3: “If you spot it, you got it.”
This means that you are most aware of those traits in others which reflect your own shadows. You may react irrationally to one of these traits in someone else, becoming unduly annoyed or irritated.
What I dislike about other people. Identify 2-3 people you dislike. Write down their negative qualities.
You can also notice the traits which you admire the most in others. Who do you look up to? Who are your idols?
We often project our golden shadows onto others, and get stars in our eyes, because these people represent the qualities we have disavowed in ourselves out of a false sense of modesty. You could say that we paint other people with our shadows, for better and for worse.
Exercise 4: Why do I keep doing this?
Another way to spot your shadows is to look for things you find yourself doing by accident. No matter how hard you try to keep your bag sealed, your shadows may leak out in a way that seems beyond your control.
For example, you may promise yourself that you’re going to spend more time with your family, when you actually spend more time at work. You may find yourself jumping into a questionable relationship, when you know that this person isn’t right for you.
What are your patterns that have you asking, why do I keep doing or experiencing this?