This is a story about a man who desired inner peace but who clung to conflict. As you will see, it’s easier to want peace than to actualize it.
This man, who I’ll call Matthew, was in conflict with his spouse over one particular area. This point of conflict was significant, and had been there since they were married 14 years earlier. For Matthew, his roots in the conflict reach back to the unmet sexual needs of his youth, and have shown remarkable resistance to change or healing. Some aspect of himself clings fiercely to an image of the way things ‘should’ be going, but never do.
Matthew was well aware that holding on to ‘shoulds’ had gotten him nowhere, and more than anything he wanted to resolve the conflict in his marriage (though his usual strategy was to presure his wife to do things his way). Yet each time the issue surfaced, he was triggered into a negative state of mind, fell back into his beliefs and shoulds, and strife between them arose again. On top of this, Matthew was also burning out from the hectic pace and high demands of his work. Both his marriage and work situations were reaching a crisis point.
Through our coaching work, Matthew recognized that inner peace was one marker of the good life that he aspired to. He deeply desired to end the conflict with his wife, regain his dwindling energy at work, and feel at peace. And this is when things got interesting, as our work illuminated a behavioral pattern that was a significant barrier to his peace: Matthew had the tendency to manufacture stress.
Manufacturing stress itself is not the barrier. It’s this: when things got too calm, went too smoothly or he started feeling too good (happy, peaceful, alive), Matthew would find a way to create a crisis.
Barriers to Peace #1: The Upper Limit Problem
It is a type of self-sabotage. The moment he started to feel a high flow of positive energy, no matter what he was doing, he would find a way to create stress and bring himself back down into his ‘normal’ state, which was stress energy. He was habituated to stress, and had a low set point for the amount of peaceful and positive energy he was able to hold. Whenever that set point was breached, and he’d feel ‘too good,’ he’d manufacture some stress and bring himself back into his comfort zone.
Psychologist Gay Hendricks describes this phenomenon of self-sabotaging when we feel too good in his book The Big Leap. The solution is to work on raising your set point so that you can hold more and more positive energy in your being for longer and longer periods of time.
Peace is a positive energy. However, if you live habituated to states such as stress, worry, anger, sadness, or busyness, then when you experience peace for too long, you will find a way to trigger yourself out and back into your comfort zone. The trigger is often subtle – a single negative, anxious, fearful thought will do it for you.
For Matthew this meant becoming aware of his set point around higher levels of peace within his being, and the thoughts and behaviors that triggered him. He also had to learn, when he felt peaceful, how to sustain that energy within himself.
After working with me on this for some time, there was a clear shift in all areas of his life except one: the long-standing point of conflict with his wife. In this area, things were inching along.
Whenever the point of contention came up between them, all his inner work seemingly flew out the window, and he’d spiral back into conflict and stress. Although he’d made the choice for peace, and was actualizing it in so many ways, this one arena seems impervious to it.
So what is going on here?
Barriers to Peace #2: Peace Requires Giving Up
In one session I asked him, “Do you really want peace?” He had to sit with this one for a while…a couple of weeks actually. At our next session, he was still pondering the question, “Am I really ready for peace?” He was not certain he was.
On one level, he was living a happier, more peaceful, de-stressed life—and it was paying dividends in how he felt. However, in the conflict area with his wife, he equated peace with giving up and with ‘not getting what I want and need.’ Inside he churned with the disappointment, resentment and anger of dashed hopes and expectations. Any movement towards acceptance of the situation–which is often a first step towards peace–or a reduction of his primal impulse to ‘fight for what I need’ was equal to quitting.
“I will not quit!” screamed a part of him, “What I want is essential to my fulfillment!” And it was this entrenched perspective on what peace means that became the ultimate barrier to resolving the conflict with his wife. As long as he equated peace with giving up, and therefore losing what he desperately desired, he could neither find nor sustain inner peace.
In fact, he realized, maybe he didn’t want peace that badly.
Do You Really Want Peace?
This story raises some helpful insights about working to resolve conflict. It always begins with the choice for something other than conflict: for peace, happiness, harmony, or positive, constructive relationship. Yet even when these paths are desired, there are strong internal barriers which limit what can transpire. Our threshold for the amount of positive energy we can hold within our being is one of those barriers. And the other is the pernicious influence of the belief that in life we have to fight for what we want, or fight to protect ourselves, or fight to succeed, because if we don’t we will not get it.
Conflict cannot be resolved from within an attack or defend position, but if we equate seeking resolution and peace with losing, then it’s easy to remain entrenched in either of those positions. So if either you or a client is experiencing resistance to resolving conflict, explore these two hidden determinants of behaviour and ask the essential question: Do you really want peace? And what are you willing to do and give up to achieve that?
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Comments 21
Leon
As usual, your words are so enlightening! I have also been reflecting on my ‘set point’ around higher levels of love, peace, harmony. I have found that acceptance (of what is) helps as well as being committed to let go of anger, judgment or low attractor fields (in Hawkins’ words).
You are a great communicator and I’m grateful that you use that talent to expand awareness and create more light and love in our lives.
Author
So glad you found value in this article Sami. Yes, any time we choose to accept what is, or let go of lower patterns of consciousness, we increase our capacity to hold higher flows of positive energy. I like to think of it in terms of “calibrating” to a higher field of consciousness. In other words, we need to learn to feel good. Not just have positive thoughts, but to allow positivity as a field of energy to become our way of being.
Leon,I can not imagine what level of presence it takes to come up with these thoughts.
Do I really want peace?Is my take away.
Thank you.
Author
I find it fascinating to witness people in their growth and change processes. And one of the great barriers really is our lack of commitment to that which we say we desire. There are times when it needs to be unwavering, in order to enable the kinds of shifts we desire. It helps to notice where we are in that commitment, how “solid” it really is.
Leon, great article and great questions you asked your client. My question is, what is the payoff for your client to stay in his current state. What is he getting out of holding on to his current point view? If he really wants peace (which he may not be sure yet), how can he increase the payoff from that state vs. the state he is in now? These are just a few questions that came to mind while reading the article. Thanks.
Author
Those are great questions Mea. In short, the pay off was one of hope – hoping that by staying in his current state he would get what he needed and wanted. In other words, he didn’t see any hope of getting what he wants by taking the “higher path of peace and acceptance” so to speak. He is working hard to realize the pay off from the higher state of peace at the moment, but it comes slowly.
Leon,
An article that resonates with me and moved me. I had the experience of being able to transpose this to one relationship in my life.
I personally recognize the threshold of positive energy I hold within myself before self-sabotage commences.
The Q I did reach sometime ago and keep asking is Do I really want peace? The answer most times is NO. Its an impasse I am aching to break. Not to better the relationship but with an inner compass pointing me that it must be crossed to realize a sustainable better self.
There is one more Q I want to add in this quest is – How key (Important, Integral) is this relationship to really want peace?
Best Wishes, Venkat
Author
It’s good to be able to honestly answer the question, as you did Venkat. It’s not about good or bad, simply an honest appraisal of what can get in the way. The importance of it, as you ask, is highly personal. What are your thoughts on your question: how key is this relationship to really want peace?
Leon ,any time I read your articles,I only need to take away one thing.
This time it is” Being peace less is a comfort zone”. Why would I feel comfortable here?
This journey is worth taking.A mI ready for peace?
Wao.
Author
It may help to define what peace means for yourself Christine. I have noticed that getting clear on what it means can make the prospective of inviting peace in less overwhelming.
Yes, I really appreciate that article Leon, as it resonates with my dance in my own relationship as well as at work. I am glad, though, that you mentioned that even just a thought itself can provoke the fall from grace (peace) and the return to the comfort zone. I don’t quite accept the notion that we sabotage ourselves by attracting bad events unconsciously, but certainly our radar for possible trouble or seeming attacks can have us react at outer things and down we plunge again.
I felt a sweet opening in me at your mentioning of letting go of the habitual pushing hard to get important needs met, and embrace our higher need of peace (heartfelt presence, I prefer to call it). It sure feels wonderful when I do!
And, of course, it helps, when we are flexible at meeting these important needs somewhere else or in other healthy ways.
Good food for the soul, thank you! Chantal, from Costa Rica
Author
I’m glad to hear that you resonate with this Chantal. You are right, it is in the embracing of our higher needs and giving them more sway in our minds that in time we come to embody the new way. Not necessarily without real effort to change the deep patterns we hold, but it can be more easeful when we understand how best to partner with this unfolding process of change. with light to you!
Dear Leon
Your write-up stirs an important inquiry, ie, about “self-sabotage”. The story that you share explains this point very well. Many thanks for such reflective sharings.
Further, With due regards, following in your write-up come across as judgmental -“He had tendency to manufacture crisis” “Do you really want peace”
I wonder if it is “seeing outside what Coach has already perceived or opined inside”.
Trust your wisdom to receive this as a point of reflection & reflect back what you would like me to receive as expanded perspective.
With Light
Neena
Author
Thanks for your insightful comment Neena. The term “manufacture crisis” was actually taken from the client’s own understanding of his behavior. He saw it in himself, so in that way I’m describing it using his words. The question ‘do you really want peace?’ arose quite naturally, from the observation that his stated desire for peace was consistently thwarted by his own behaviors. Interestingly, his answer was that when he really thought about it, he wasn’t sure…that his desire for what he wanted to have happen was greater than his desire for peace. I admit, I don’t see the judgment in the question. 🙂
There are only two emotions – love and fear. Ask your client what is he afraid of? Then you will uncover the block.
Author
Thank you for your comment Jennifer. Yes, as the article mentioned, he was afraid of ‘losing what he wants’. He equated peace in life with giving up on things he believed he wanted or needed. He was going to ‘fight for what he wanted’ so as not to lose what he wants.
Reading your article I found it interesting that there was no language related to listening to our intuition or inner voice to support us to get some idea why we are not moving forward. God knows our blockages before we do but we don’t let him in or are not ready to hear the truth of just what is stopping us from gaining peace and love from HIM. When we are ready he will provide the path to unlock our struggles. Looking inward and being open to God to hear his guidance and voice. Let Go and Let God fill you up with the attitude and feelings that you are yearning for. Follow your heart and your freedom will follow you.
Author
Thank you for sharing your thoughts Rhonda, it’s always good to have a range of perspectives on such issues! In the article I did not reveal all the details of the coaching/self-awareness process that my client went through. Rather, I chose to highlight two considerations that significantly impact people’s ability to make desired change (or ‘peace,’ in the case of my client).
People (and coaches) need to become aware of those, as without that awareness there can be frustration or angst at why the desire state of change is not being experienced. And you’re right, sometimes that awareness happens through intuitive insight or through our inner guidance (Spirit or God at work in our minds), or through the deeper dive through inquiry that coaching takes people on. Once the awareness is there, then they can be attended to.
But because this is coaching, which means the coach is not directing ‘how’ the client goes about either attending to the inner blockages or stepping further into peace, then that part I would not address in the article. It’s not that your insights are not supportive for people, however as coaches we must be aware that our own belief systems can become agendas in the coaching space, and that is always problematic for the coaching process.
Hi, Leon!
Thank you for this article, just in time!
I have both patterns described. Limiting positive energy for longer period – it came to my mind, that it is due to fear.. Life is like a zebra, white and black, and if this “white” period is so bright and intense, it possible means, that “black” intensity will be at the same level. And may be just to avoid this intense black I prefer “evenly grey”? Sounds awful :((. I do not know at the moment, how this fear can be healed (but I know, it comes from previous relationship).
In regard to “having peace means giving up” – yes, it is also about me. In my previous life I was limited and even more I was limiting myself just to keep pease.. then reaction to fight for myself became automatic, ended with divorce…. and again, I am doing the same pattern in my new life, where my husband allows me everything and supports me in anything (almost :)). I really want peace..
I love how the Deep Coaching process allows both of you to stay in a place of holding for the possibility of a resolution to emerge naturally, rather than attempting to find a solution to what was obviously a deeply entrenched pain point for the client. Thank you for such a powerful example.
Author
That’s just it Martha, how in transformational coaching seeing those places of inner tension not as ‘problems to be solved’. The way of the heart, the path to healing, invites in a whole different approach.